Do you ever have those experiences where the beauty of the moment overtakes you?

In ways, I suppose that I have been blessed to experience losing a loved one at an age where I could both understand what was happening and appreciate the limits of mortality. I have also had time to think of my own life and the ugly possibilities that my own health may hold. I have come to a level of acceptance with uncertainty, but my experiences have me feeling a very wide range of emotions. I try not to take anything for granted, but sometimes I wonder if my strong emotions are actually going to be the end of me.


I seem to be hit with these moments a lot lately. My mother taught me from an early age to appreciate my own life, the stories that everyone plays out, and the richness of our surroundings. I think that many of these reminders, often accompanied by tears, are the result of getting ready for our wedding.

I have a friend at work who also lost her mother to Cancer. She read somewhere that when you dream of a lost loved one, it's really them just stopping by for a visit. I remember after my first big surgery in 2006, I had a surreal experience one night. I had bad night sweats as a result of the infection and fever, and I would often wake miserable and uncomfortable in the dead of the night.

One of those long nights, I awoke for a different reason—it was so bright. Yet, when I opened my eyes, the room was pitch black. The moon was not even out. Nick was sleeping quietly by my side; it was just me and the dark stillness. I closed my eyes again, and the lights nearly blinded me. I opened my eyes quickly…darkness again. My heart racing, I tried to comprehend what was happening. I was afraid.

I decided to be brave and close my eyes again. Maybe I was going crazy, or maybe there was something else wrong with me, but my curiosity was beginning to build. The light was still there, behind my eyelids. I turned my head into my pillow and noticed that my cheek was wet with tears that I did not know I had cried. And then I heard her voice, Mom's voice, singing the song she sang to me as a child:



And I knew then that your loved ones never leave you completely.
I had a similar experience two weeks ago when I bought my wedding dress. I was thrilled with the experience and excited that all of the planning was nearly complete, but that night the melancholy hit.

That night, I found the brilliant light again when I closed my eyes. I can't believe that she has been gone four and a half years and I can still remember her voice so clearly. I feared at first that I would forget everything, that I would not be able to preserve the memory of her. There's a lesson in that: the heart can hold on indefinitely.

I walk outside and the gentle July breeze plays with my hair. The sun warms my skin as I breathe in the scent of honeysuckle. The birds chatter amongst themselves in a conversation of song, and I close my eyes. The light is there. I love this time of year, when everything is so alive and at its prime. Our world is beautiful in spite of the hardships we face. Enjoy today and appreciate its splendor. You'll find it's difficult to stay down in the midst of such joy.

(My heart, that is!)

I love the chest strap! It's super comfortable and secure, and I think it's really neat to see how my running speed corresponds to my running pace. I also like being able to see how long I was in my target range (below). The circles represent miles—except the last one which just represents my end-distance!



It's something to get excited over, even though Simon and Garfunkel have officially canceled their concert now. Sigh I just knew it. We specifically didn't do anything or go anywhere for Mother's Day this year…one of the days I dread most all year long…because we had plans to go to the concert. It was rescheduled to July due to Art's vocal problems.

Which, come on. Simon and Garfunkel was great because it was made up of two masters: a songwriter and a singer. Without the voice, it just wouldn't have been the same (even with the great words). After jumping through all the hoops to get my refund and re-buy the tickets to see the concert at a different venue, I think I started preparing myself for the idea that this wouldn't happen after all.

So there you have it. Thumbs up for the new Nike + chest strap, thumbs down for disappointment.

I have come to appreciate that I am a metrics person. I like data. A lot.

Probably not the sexiest thing to admit, but it is what it is. I think this is why I get a high from treadmill running while others look at spending an hour on the treadmill as cruel and unusual punishment. I play all kinds of numbers games with myself on the treadmill, and it keeps my mind from wandering and dillydallying as I tend to do on long runs outside. Let's face it: some people run because they just plain like to run. I just run to be fit.

I started off my fitness journey in 2001 with power walking, and I became an excellent walker. Even so, the first time I clipped a pedometer to my belt, I felt an unexpected thrill. I actually had digital proof that I was walking so much! Suddenly, I couldn't let myself go to bed until I had 20,000 steps in on the day. Metrics help that geeky, awkward part of me that I am probably not going to grow out of after all.

I first logged onto Nike + in 2007, but I was not a regular user because I wasn't all that fond of listening to music while I run. Occasionally, sure, but not all the time or even the majority. Since the Nike + Sportband came out last July, I've been a machine though. I just crossed the 800 mile mark in Nike +, a tally of all my runs from 2007 to present. 698 of those miles were logged with the Sportband from last September on.

But even before Nike +, I fell in love with the heart rate monitor. I have a decent grasp on how many calories I burn during various activities based on my perceived level of exertion, but there's something about seeing your heart rate start to fall when you take a breather that makes you want to get going again a little faster. With wearing my Sportband so often though, I haven't been wearing my Polar heart rate monitor as much.

That all changes when my package from Nike arrives. I was uploading my Monday run and saw the news! Polar teamed up with Nike to provide a chest strap that will monitor heart rate through iPods and Sportbands, as well as compatible Polar HRMs. That means the new chest strap will work with my Sportband, iPod, and it's compatible with my existing Polar model so I can wear with with my non running activities! I love it when a plan comes together!

I am totally stoked. I love the community at Nike +, and I admit that I have become a bit of a Nike groupie, but this just seals it (particularly since I had a similar style replacement chest strap in my amazon.com saved list, but hadn't made the commitment to buy since I didn't have the opportunity to wear it that often with all the running this year). You just know I'm going to look at some of my runs with this thing and think, "Yeah, I could have pushed it more." NO EXCUSES! Totally stoked. Seriously.

I need to vent, and then I'll go back to school work.

As an adult, I have come to believe that if a person sets out to do something, they should do it to the best of their ability or it isn't even worth trying. I have approached my education this way, and for me that means maintaining an A average. I know I am capable of A work, so why should I be content to settle for something lower?

This is not to say that I have been able to float through the last few years without a care in the world. I wish! Anything worthwhile requires a lot of time and effort, and my GPA is no exception. I knew the sacrifices I would have to make going into this degree, and Nick knew the sacrifices. It was going to be around three years of really hard work. Nick was going to have to pick up a lot of the household chores and I wasn't going to be able to have a lot of free time to go boating, biking, or hiking which are hallmark activities of our life together. Nick is a good partner, and I respect him for doing his part to allow me to complete my education with excellence.

All this being said, all of these sacrifices being made, I am so mad I could spit (because that's what mad people do, apparently). Throughout my program, I have had issues with team assignments and people not pulling their weight. I can think of only three classes where team assignments were completed without issue every single time.

I took the leadership role in my team this week, and laid out the assignment with specific due dates on each section, which was necessary because it is a progressive paper where the person who signed up for part C needs to have part B done first. I think I was even an ass and stated "Please pay attention and adhere to the due dates when you sign up" because I had a problem with the last minute scrambling to turn in the paper last week.

It is now Sunday afternoon and one of the parts due Friday night is still not turned in. Other people are waiting on that part. The team member in question leaves a message late last night saying, "Guys I am working on my part. I know that we all have things to do, but I'm really having hard time both working and doing my assignments." I just can't stop rolling my eyes.

Maybe I am tired to the point where I no longer have sympathy for people, but this whole working full time and going to school full time? Yeah, it sucks. But I knew that going in, as everyone should have. What bugs me the most is that because people cannot figure out how to manage their time, they throw everyone else off. I am sick and tired of people being irresponsible.

And maybe I am at my tipping point because I now work in a position wherein deadlines are extremely important, and if you can't make your deadline you need to appeal to the big dogs for an extension. Maybe I am just oversimplifying the situation, but everyone has a busy life and you usually do not get time to rest in between activities. Grow up and be accountable!

Okay, now I am off to pick up the slack in my team. It sure is lucky that I don't have anything else going on in my life and can easily step in to save the day.