I've come to the conclusion that I am a tightly strung individual. I'm cool, calm, blah, blah, blah, so on and so forth, but I'm also an unimpressive marionette. I cannot clean a surface with any sort of vigor without taxing my pelvis. You're impressed, aren't you? Yes, well, I have that affect on people.

I've noticed the mirroring before, the synchronization of my upper and lower body. It sounds rather splendid, no doubt, and you think I should demonstrate a little more pride in my gift...but it's hell massaging shampoo into my hair while in the shower. Hell, I say!

I don't understand this at all. I can rub my stomach and pat my head—and even more impressively, I can pat my stomach and rub my head. I can even chew gum and walk at the same time. Oh, oh! And there are days that I sit and tap my foot...I am genius when it comes to awkward mobility! From where does this choreographic mastery originate? Grace will never be mine...I know this to be so...but must it be so obvious the the world? I mean, SERIOUSLY! Just once, I'd like to be able to clean a window without looking like I'm practicing for a strip tease act.

Just once.