I guess it was about a month ago that I ordered my first unitard. I know you're all wondering how on Earth I managed to live without this touchy-feely garment all these years...well, it wasn't easy, I'll tell you that much. I knew that during my week vacationing in Boulder Junction, known to Miles as "Deprivation with a North Woods Twist", I would be delving heavily into yoga. I knew that the mornings would be chilly, but there is nothing that keeps a mind and a body more at odds with each another than baggy clothing during an asana!
A long sleeved unitard seemed my only option: an all-over insulation that didn't restrict movement or irritate sensibilities. Fortunately, I soothed myself, I would be up well before the rest of my cabin mates, through with my ashtanga practice, shower, and at least half of a pot of coffee before I had company. The likelihood of being caught tucked into the body sock was severely reduced, but I knew it to be inevitable that I would be caught eventually. If not on vacation, then at home. If not during yoga, then when I while I am eating chocolate cake.
So, the search became less of, "Can I find one with a built-in physique?" and more of, "Does it come in camouflage?" My college roommate had a pair of camouflage underwear. She always used to tell us that she wore them so her butt wouldn't look big. I think she had something there. However, and this may come as a shock as it certainly did for me, dance studios don't routinely stock camouflaged unitards!
I had three color options: white, nude, and black. Obviously, I purchased the black.
It wasn't much of a debate, but I did give each color a forum to address why she should be chosen. The white, while calling for world peace and the betterment of mankind's treatment of the rain forests, also mentioned that she tends to make her subjects appear larger than life. Rain forests, peace, blah blah blah...larger? You are the weakest link! Goodbye!
The exotic nude stepped to the podium and tried to sway the judges with deliciously naughty suggestions. She was in favor of saving the sheep from the humiliation of being shaved, outlawing cotton, and dressing ourselves in naught but our birthday suits morning after morning. "Why, think of the money we'd save on clothing!" she called out. She had a point, and I've always felt bad for the sheep. But, let's face it. Cloaked in a nude unitard, who would resist the double take? I'm sorry, but if I'm worried about the first glance, why would I wear something asking for the second, hmm?
The little black number took stage last, and while she seemed surly and abrasive, she had a sort of charm to her. I know "charm" sounds impossible with her calling for the continuance of night throughout the day and death of all who would giggle, but she boasted belittlement of the body she coated. I chose to ignore the true definition of belittlement as I imagined myself donning the unitard and becoming the size of a pushpin. Who takes a second look at a pushpin? Plus, the black probably won't show stains from that chocolate cake.
