Monday, May 30, 2011
Okay, so I want to get in one post before the month is up!
Nick and I just got back from Wyalusing State Park where we spent the day hiking and kayaking with a picnic lunch in between. It's about a two hour drive each way, so it's been a full day. Memorial Day Weekend is usually our start on the summer activities: one day is dedicated to hiking, another to biking, and the last to kayaking (in no particular order). The weather was not cooperative this year though, so we fit as much as we could into today (the only nice day of the weekend).
There has been a sense of urgency with our activities the last two weekends, actually. About two weeks ago, I received some shocking news that I was expecting. I know that sounds like an oxymoron, and it is…but that's also how it felt (feels).
I have been having pelvic pain that has only increased in severity over the past several months. This, combined with my always-there lower back pain has been debilitating at times. And Nick…poor Nick: it hurts him to see me struggle. I always think I do a good job at putting on my happy face and forging through, but he is never fooled. I imagine it must be much harder to watch a loved one hurt than to be hurting yourself.
So, I saw my gynecologist. I had to wait a month for the appointment (and that was after she had her nurse "fit me in" somewhere earlier in the schedule, because initially I would have had to wait two and a half months!), and if it wasn't for seeing that look in Nick's eyes, I probably would have cancelled. I think that I have subconsciously known the last five years that this time would come.
It was around that time, five years ago, that I first discovered the extent of my genetic anomalies and what they meant for my future: for all intensive purposes, I was barren. I could get pregnant, but I just couldn't stay pregnant. In 2009, I was underwent a tubal ligation—basically to prevent further miscarriages rather than to prevent pregnancy.
So, with all of the medical notes and finally that procedure, I knew that I wouldn't have children (at least not naturally). With my continuing problems, I knew what the doctor would suggest. Nick and I discussed it before my appointment (I elected to go alone). I had done the research and jotted down several questions to ask Dr. O.
Yet, I sobbed—right there in her office—when she said hysterectomy.
I continued to wipe angrily at my dripping eyes while she explained the procedure and answered all my questions.
The next day, the surgery center called me to schedule a date. June 28th was the surgery slot that both my doctor and the oncologist surgeon who will be assisting (given my family history, there always seems to be an oncologist present…depressing) were both available. My first response was, "That's too soon…can I call you back tomorrow?"
Nonetheless, I called back the next day and scheduled the surgery. I told a handful of people at work throughout that week (only those who I had to), and a knot formed in my throat each time. I am finally getting to a point where I can talk about it without wanting to curl in a ball and keep everyone outside.
My exercise regime is drastically changed. The high impact stuff has been off limits for a few months now. My cousin and I power walk twice a week, and I find an exercise DVD from my collection to move to the other days. A positive that can be taken from this: I forgot how much I loved power walking.
I think I got in this mindset that I had to continually improve…and when I simply couldn't walk any faster, I ran. After a good power walk, I feel so energized and alive—excited and bubbly about everything. After a run, even on the good days, I just feel gratitude that it's over. Maybe this is life's way of telling me to slow down and pay attention to what makes life enjoyable, because those are the things worth doing over and over again until you're drunk on being alive.
So, June 28th. Less than a month away now. I told Sophie that she's going to have to be my nurse, my beck-and-call girl. She tilted her ears a bit, broke eye contact with me, and when back to cleaning her butt. I think she got the gist though.
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