One post-per-week seems to be all that I am capable of producing lately, so I'm going to steal it for myself instead of dedicating it to Sophie even though it's Sunday and all—call me a bad cat-mom, I know I deserve it. I've actually been trying to think of ways to keep this site updated regardless of the time (or lack-thereof) I have available to write. Maybe a weekly summary is the way until life calms down a bit.
So, last week was crazy. Mom
(I know I'm cut off in this one, but Mom's smile is just so contagious.)
I did not write anything regarding the seventh anniversary of my mom's passing on January 26th. I knew the seven year mark was approaching at Christmastime (of course), and I had hoped in that capricious part of my soul that she'd visit me à la Jacob Marley. Alas, the visit did not come to pass—besides, I don't think she's carrying around any chains for the way she lived her life…daisy chains, maybe.
I was silent on the day partly because I felt anger and frustration that I still fall into that vortex of sadness on the anniversary. I can't stop myself from remembering those final, awful days of the Cancer…the way she looked…the delirium…the end. I am mad that those memories come to mind first while all the healthy years follow much later.
The morning started out hectic. I was keeping myself busy by polishing every wooden surface in our home. I hit the shower mid-morning and we went to a basketball game. I was still okay, still not thinking about it…except, when we arrived at the Kohl Center to watch the basketball game, every chair was draped with a Coaches vs. Cancer shirt. I stared at the ceiling, willing the tears not to fall.
Nick was making conversation with the people sitting next to him, but he turned to me (looking like I was about to lose it) a couple of times to say, "Don't think about it…you're thinking about the day…don't." Easier said than done, my friend. I continued to look to the ceiling and concentrate on my breath. I told myself to think of something, anything else—I failed miserably, but I was okay once the game was underway because I had a distraction. Afterward, Nick and I stopped for a drink to let the parking garage empty instead of entering into the fray. The bartender served our beers and Nick toasted me, "To your mom."
There it was again, that fist squeezing my heart. I swallowed hard and sucked in deep breaths before taking a sip. Meanwhile, Nick noticed my reaction and had that "Crap, crap, crap!" look plastered all over his face. I didn't sleep that night, but stayed up to organize the kitchen cupboards because I was afraid to let my thoughts wander unoccupied.
It's like my surgical scars…the cuts heal and I become whole enough to live my life, but I never really stop hurting.
As I mentioned in last week's Sophie Sunday, Nick and I are in the process of selling our condo to buy a house. The realtor took pictures last Monday, hosted a broker open-house on Tuesday, and the listing was published on Wednesday. Someone booked a showing on Tuesday night, but then south-central Wisconsin had a snow storm and all frenzy calmed.
Sophie went over to her grandma's house on Monday night so she wouldn't be afraid with strangers walking around the condo without one of us at home. It isn't easy for our cat to adapt to new surroundings…Sophie and her delicate emotional state were on my mind the rest of the week. Nick's mom left for Florida on Thursday (for the next few weeks), and we started squatting at her house that night (for Sophie…and for us).
It's seriously stressful knowing that every time I leave my home, I need to leave it show-ready. People, I have diagnosed OCD (or CDO as I like to call it…that's OCD but in alphabetical order). This did a number on me (us). Every speck on the floor, spot on the mirrors, and smudge on the coffee table gave me a minor anxiety attack…and I was constantly frustrated with my husband who just didn't see to the same level of detail that I did (i.e. his brain works NORMALLY).
I'm still trying to figure out which light switches work which set of lights, but otherwise I am settling in nicely at Joan's house. We've scheduled an open house for the condo next Sunday, and realtors are now (well, as of tomorrow) able to show the space without confirming a time with us first. Why the sense of urgency? We've found a house that we really (really, really, really) like in a beautiful neighborhood. The sooner we can sell our condo, the sooner we can put in our offer.
As of right this very moment, I can't think of another space in the condo to organize, polish, or scrub. I've been working at project: total organization for several weeks now, and I am tired. Our realtor says he likes the space and thinks it will sell quickly, but we aren't sure if he's just telling us what he thinks we want to hear (he's a pretty nice guy that way).
I think those are my two main topics. As for the rest…
Sophie has been so clingy that I've started humming "Me and My Shadow" when I see her at my heel.
Nick thinks he's getting sick…awesome—I'm sure to be next.
The Super Bowl is on as I type; I'm pulling for the (doomed, I fear) 49ers.